Choosing to become a surrogate is a profound and life-changing decision. But one of the most important parts of the journey is finding intended parents who truly align with your values.
A good match goes beyond medical compatibility. It’s about building a relationship based on trust, communication, and shared beliefs on essential topics like medical decisions, ethical considerations, and expectations for involvement during the pregnancy.
This guide will walk you through how to match with intended parents who share your values, covering everything from the application and screening process to key factors to consider, common mistakes to avoid, and how surrogacy agencies can help ensure a great match.
Understanding the Matching Process Between Surrogate & Intended Parents
The Initial Steps: Application & Screening
Before being matched with intended parents, every surrogate must go through an application and screening process. This step ensures that she is physically, emotionally, and mentally prepared for the surrogacy journey.
The application covers key aspects such as medical history, past pregnancies, lifestyle habits, and personal values. Agencies use this information to assess whether a surrogate meets the medical and ethical requirements for carrying a child safely.
Once the application is approved, the surrogate undergoes screening, which includes medical evaluations, psychological assessments, and background checks. These tests confirm that the surrogate is in good health and that she fully understands the emotional and ethical aspects of surrogacy. If a surrogate fails the surrogacy psychological evaluation, she may need to consider alternative options before moving forward.
This stage is also an opportunity for surrogates to clarify their own expectations. Do they want a close relationship with the intended parents? Are they looking for intended parents who share specific religious or ethical values? Taking the time to define these priorities will make the matching process smoother and more precise.
Meeting Potential Intended Parents
Once a surrogate is approved, the agency begins the process of finding intended parents who align with her values, communication style, and expectations.
The first meeting, whether in person or virtual, is a crucial step in determining compatibility. It’s more than just an introduction, it’s an opportunity to gauge whether both sides feel comfortable moving forward together.
During this conversation, surrogates and intended parents discuss key topics like communication preferences, birth plans, medical decisions, and ethical beliefs. The surrogate can also assess how the intended parents handle sensitive topics. Are they empathetic and respectful? Do they seem open and willing to listen?
A successful first meeting is not just about checking off logistical boxes, it’s about building trust and ensuring mutual respect.
Making the Final Decision: Is This the Right Match?
After the first meeting, both the surrogate and the intended parents take time to reflect. The decision to move forward should never be rushed. Instead, it should feel natural and confident for both parties.
Once both sides agree to proceed, the legal phase begins. A surrogacy contract is drawn up to outline all key agreements, including compensation, responsibilities, and how medical decisions will be handled. This legal framework ensures that everyone is on the same page from the start.
Once the contracts are signed, medical preparations, including the embryo transfer process, begin. From this moment on, the surrogate and the intended parents are officially partners in this journey.
Key Factors to Consider When Matching with Intended Parents
Communication Style: Setting Expectations Early
Clear and open communication is the foundation of any healthy surrogacy relationship. Surrogates and intended parents may have different expectations when it comes to how often they check in with each other, how they prefer to communicate, and how much involvement the intended parents will have during the pregnancy.
Before agreeing to a match, both sides should take the time to discuss how they envision their day-to-day interactions. Understanding these preferences early on helps prevent misunderstandings and frustrations later in the journey.
Questions to Ask:
- How often will we communicate? Will we check in weekly, bi-weekly, or only for important updates?
- Do you prefer texting, calls, or in-person updates? Are you comfortable with video calls, or do you prefer messages and emails?
- What level of involvement do you want in pregnancy milestones? Do you want to attend doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, or other key moments?
Each surrogate has a different comfort level when it comes to communication. Some enjoy a close and personal relationship with their intended parents, while others prefer to keep things more formal and professional. The key is to find a match that respects and aligns with those preferences.
Views on Medical Decisions and Pregnancy Management
Medical decisions are some of the most important aspects to discuss before finalizing a match. Every pregnancy comes with unexpected situations, and it is crucial that surrogates and intended parents are aligned on how to handle medical interventions.
One of the first topics to discuss is the birth plan. Do the intended parents have strong preferences about a hospital birth, a home birth, or specific medical interventions? Would they prefer a natural birth or are they open to a C-section if necessary? While birth plans can change based on medical needs, understanding each other’s general expectations reduces potential stress as the due date approaches.
Another critical conversation involves how pregnancy complications will be handled. If a medical emergency arises, how would the intended parents like decisions to be made? Would they prefer the medical team to act quickly in the surrogate’s best interest, or do they want to be consulted before any major interventions? Ensuring alignment on these questions helps prevent difficult discussions in the middle of an already stressful situation.
Additionally, one of the most sensitive but necessary discussions involves pregnancy termination and selective reduction. Views on pregnancy termination in surrogacy can vary greatly between surrogates and intended parents. It is essential to talk about this subject in advance, so that both parties understand each other’s ethical and emotional perspectives. Addressing these topics before a match is finalized helps avoid misunderstandings or conflicts later on.
Level of Involvement: Hands-On vs. Hands-Off Parents
Another key aspect of a strong match is determining how involved the intended parents will be throughout the pregnancy. Every family has different expectations, and every surrogate has her own comfort level regarding how much interaction she prefers.
Some intended parents are highly involved, attending every medical appointment, scheduling regular check-ins, and wanting to be present for every step of the journey. This approach can be wonderful for surrogates who enjoy having a close and personal relationship with the intended parents and feel comfortable with constant communication.
Other intended parents prefer a moderate level of involvement, checking in occasionally and attending only major milestones like ultrasounds or the birth. This approach allows for a balance of connection and independence, where the surrogate feels supported but still has autonomy in her daily life.
Finally, some intended parents prefer to take a hands-off approach, trusting the surrogate to carry the pregnancy without much direct involvement. They may only communicate when necessary, allowing the surrogate to manage the experience with the support of her medical team and agency.
For surrogates, it is crucial to reflect on their own preferences before matching with intended parents. Would they feel more comfortable with frequent interaction or would they prefer a more independent journey?
Emotional Connection & Mutual Respect
Beyond logistics and medical compatibility, emotional connection and mutual respect are key to a fulfilling surrogacy journey. A great match isn’t just about shared expectations, it’s about how both parties make each other feel.
A surrogate should feel valued, heard, and appreciated. If intended parents are dismissive, controlling, or indifferent, it may indicate an unhealthy dynamic. Open communication, gratitude, and a genuine sense of partnership create a positive and supportive experience for both sides.
Faith and Ethical Considerations
Faith and personal beliefs often shape a surrogate’s approach to surrogacy, influencing medical decisions, pregnancy management, and expectations for the relationship. Ethical alignment on key topics, such as pregnancy termination or birth plans, prevents misunderstandings and ensures a harmonious journey.
Discussing values early in the matching process helps establish mutual understanding and respect. Whether faith plays a central role or simply serves as a guiding principle, both surrogates and intended parents should feel comfortable and aligned in their shared journey.
Common Mistakes to Avoid When Matching with Intended Parents
Rushing into a Match Without Asking the Right Questions
When a potential match is presented, it’s natural to feel excited. The idea of beginning the journey and helping someone achieve their dream of parenthood is fulfilling and emotional. However, in this excitement, some surrogates may overlook critical discussions that should happen before making a final decision.
Skipping important conversations can lead to misunderstandings, stress, or even conflicts down the line. Surrogates should take their time to ask the tough but necessary questions about medical decisions, the level of involvement, communication expectations, and ethical values.
A strong match is based on transparency and shared expectations. If a surrogate doesn’t take the time to dig deeper into these topics, she might later discover that her intended parents have different views on pregnancy management or medical interventions, which can cause tension during the process. Taking a step back, having open discussions, and ensuring that every aspect of the journey has been addressed will make the experience smoother and more positive for everyone involved.
Ignoring Red Flags
While most intended parents are kind, respectful, and deeply grateful for their surrogate, there are cases where warning signs appear early in the matching process. These red flags may indicate potential challenges ahead and should not be ignored.
What to Watch Out For:
Some of the most common red flags include parents who dismiss concerns rather than addressing them thoughtfully. If a surrogate brings up a topic that is important to her—such as how they feel about birth plans or their stance on medical interventions—and the intended parents seem uninterested or brush off her concerns, this could indicate a lack of respect for her role in the process.
Another major warning sign is feeling pressured to accept medical choices that make the surrogate uncomfortable. Pregnancy is unpredictable, and it’s crucial that both parties respect each other’s comfort levels regarding procedures such as C-sections, induction, and medical interventions. If an intended parent tries to push decisions onto the surrogate without considering her well-being, it may signal a lack of balance in the relationship.
Additionally, a sense of being rushed through the decision-making process can be a red flag. A surrogate should never feel pressured into saying “yes” to a match if she is not fully confident in the compatibility. Taking the time to reflect and make an informed decision is essential for a positive journey.
Not Clarifying Post-Birth Expectations
One of the most overlooked topics during the matching process is what to expect after birth. Some surrogates and intended parents form lifelong bonds and remain in touch for years, while others prefer to part ways after delivery.
If this conversation isn’t addressed beforehand, it can lead to hurt feelings, confusion, or disappointment. Some surrogates may feel attached to the family they helped create and hope to receive updates about the baby, while some intended parents may prefer to move forward privately.
The best approach is to discuss post-birth expectations openly before committing to a match. Do the intended parents want to maintain contact? Would they be open to occasional updates or a visit? Or do they prefer a clear separation? Knowing these answers early on allows both sides to be on the same page and avoid potential misunderstandings later.
Underestimating Emotional Compatibility
While medical and logistical factors are crucial, one of the most underestimated aspects of a good match is the emotional connection between a surrogate and her intended parents.
Surrogacy is an intimate and deeply personal experience, and working with parents who make the surrogate feel valued and respected can make a significant difference in the overall journey.
Some surrogates may initially agree to a match based on practical considerations, but if there is no emotional compatibility, the experience may feel transactional rather than meaningful. Trust, kindness, and a natural connection matter.
If a surrogate feels uneasy, unheard, or disconnected from her intended parents, it’s okay to take a step back and reconsider. She should feel empowered to say no if something doesn’t feel right. Finding the right match means choosing parents who genuinely appreciate her role and share a vision for a positive journey together.
What Makes a Great Match? Signs You’ve Found the Right Fit
A great match is not just about meeting medical and logistical requirements, it’s about forming a genuine connection that makes the surrogacy journey smooth, fulfilling, and emotionally rewarding.
Here are some signs that a surrogate has found the right intended parents:
She feels respected and valued throughout every discussion, with intended parents who appreciate her role and treat her with kindness.
Communication is easy, natural, and comfortable, with both parties being open about their expectations while also respecting each other’s boundaries.
Their views on medical decisions and involvement during the pregnancy are aligned, reducing the risk of conflicts or difficult conversations later.
There is no pressure, both sides feel genuinely excited and at ease about moving forward, without feeling rushed into a decision.
Most importantly, she feels a sense of peace and confidence in the match. A surrogate should trust her instincts; if something feels right, it likely is. And if something feels off, it’s always worth taking the time to reassess before committing.
A truly successful surrogacy journey starts with the right match, one that is built on trust, mutual respect, and a shared vision for bringing new life into the world.
Why Choosing the Right Agency Makes a Difference
How Agencies Ensure a Strong Match
Surrogacy agencies consider multiple factors when facilitating a match, including location, medical compatibility, communication style, and personal values. Each surrogate has her own expectations for the process, and agencies work to ensure that the intended parents align with her preferences and comfort level.
By filtering and presenting only the most compatible matches, agencies save time and help prevent potential conflicts. Rather than leaving surrogates to navigate the complexities of matching on their own, a strong agency ensures that both parties share common expectations and feel confident moving forward together.
A values-based agency, like Surrogacy by Faith, takes this a step further by prioritizing ethical alignment and emotional connection. Matching surrogates with families who share their beliefs and perspectives creates a harmonious and fulfilling experience for everyone involved.
Emotional & Spiritual Support Throughout the Journey
Beyond the logistics of matching, a surrogacy agency plays a vital role in providing emotional and spiritual support throughout the process. Surrogacy can be an emotional journey, and having a team that understands the experience firsthand makes a difference.
At Surrogacy by Faith, every team member is a former surrogate, which means they bring personal experience, empathy, and insight into every step of the process. This unique perspective allows them to offer guidance, reassurance, and emotional care tailored to the needs of surrogates.
For many, working with a faith-based surrogacy agency adds an extra layer of comfort and ethical guidance. Knowing that the agency shares their values creates a sense of trust, making the journey less stressful and more meaningful.
Choose Surrogacy by Faith
Surrogacy by Faith offers a compassionate, values-driven approach, ensuring that surrogates and intended parents find the right match based on trust, ethics, and shared beliefs. With a team of former surrogates, they provide expert guidance, personalized support, and a deep understanding of the journey from start to finish.
To begin your journey, you can fill out the Intended Parents Form, while those considering becoming a surrogate can explore the Surrogate Application Form.