The first video call with a potential family can feel like a blind date, a job interview and a family dinner all at once. Knowing the right questions to ask intended parents turns that nervous hour into a real conversation. It also helps you find out whether you share the same picture of the journey ahead.
First comes how a match meeting works and how to prepare. Next, the questions are grouped by theme: their story, embryos and medical decisions, communication, the birth and life afterward. The final sections cover topics for your agency or attorney, red and green flags and what happens once the call ends.
How a Surrogacy Match Meeting Works
What Happens at the First Meeting
Most match meetings take place over video and last about an hour. An agency coordinator often joins to make introductions, keep the conversation flowing and step in if a topic feels awkward.
Before the call, both sides have already read each other’s profiles. The meeting is a chance to see whether the connection feels right, which is the heart of the surrogate matching process.
How to Prepare Before the Call
Write down your questions in advance, grouped by topic, and decide which ones matter most to you. Test your camera and internet connection, and find a quiet spot where nobody will interrupt you.
It also helps to think about your own answers. Intended parents will ask about your family, your support system and your reasons for carrying. Their questions reflect what intended parents expect from surrogates, just as yours reflect what you need.
Questions to Ask Intended Parents About Their Story
Their Path to Surrogacy
Start with warm, open questions. Most intended parents have walked a long road through infertility, and they appreciate the chance to share it.
- How did you decide that surrogacy was the right path for your family?
- What has your fertility journey looked like so far?
- Do you have other children, and how do they feel about a baby joining the family?
- What are you most excited about, and what worries you most?
Their Values and Faith
Shared values make every later conversation easier. For many surrogates, that includes faith, family traditions and how the couple hopes to raise their child.
- What values do you hope to pass on to your child?
- Does faith play a role in your family life and in this journey?
- How do your extended families feel about surrogacy?
Many surrogates look for families who share the same values from the start. That common ground often carries a relationship through the harder moments of a pregnancy.
Questions About Embryos and Medical Decisions
Embryos and Genetic Testing
Medical questions can feel too personal to ask, yet they matter enormously. Your body will carry the result of these decisions, so you deserve clear replies.
- How many embryos do you have, and have they been genetically tested?
- How many embryos do you plan to transfer at a time?
- What happens if the first transfer does not work?
- Have you thought about what you will do with any remaining embryos?
Their replies reveal a lot about planning and expectations. Embryos screened through PGT-A testing usually mean fewer transfers. Families who have considered their remaining embryos also tend to have thought the whole journey through.
Termination and Selective Reduction
This is the conversation many surrogates dread, but skipping it causes far more pain later. Ask directly how the intended parents view termination and selective reduction, and in which situations, if any, they would consider them.
Medical guidance treats this as essential. Under the recommendations for gestational carrier arrangements, disagreement on the medical plan, such as the number of embryos, is grounds to reject a match. Contracts also address surrogacy and pregnancy termination directly, so alignment here is non-negotiable.
Questions About Communication During the Pregnancy
How Often You Will Talk
Some families want a text after every appointment, while others prefer a weekly call. Neither is wrong, but a mismatch can create tension within weeks.
- How often would you like to hear from me, and in what way?
- How do you prefer to handle a disagreement?
- How do you feel about pregnancy updates on social media?
Appointments and Ultrasounds
Ask which appointments the intended parents hope to attend, either in person or by video. Distance, work schedules and budget all play a part.
Talk about the embryo transfer too. Some couples travel to be there, while others join by phone. Knowing ahead of time avoids hurt feelings on an emotional day.
Questions About the Birth and the Hospital
The Delivery Room
The birth is the moment everyone has been waiting for, so it helps to picture it together early. Ask who they hope will be in the delivery room and who will hold the baby first.
Your own comfort matters here as well. A shared surrogacy birth plan puts these wishes in writing, including what happens if a cesarean becomes necessary.
Breast Milk and the First Days
Some intended parents ask surrogates to pump breast milk after the birth, and some surrogates are happy to. Others prefer not to, and both choices are valid.
Raise the topic early so nobody feels pressured later. Questions about surrogate breastfeeding also touch on time, comfort and whether pumping is part of the contract.
Questions About Your Relationship After the Birth
Staying in Touch
Some families and surrogates become lifelong friends, while others prefer occasional updates. Ask what the intended parents imagine, then share what you hope for yourself.
Research suggests these relationships often last. In one Cambridge study, surrogates were still in touch with most of the families they helped years later. Most of those in touch met once or twice a year.
How They Will Tell Their Child
Ask whether and how the intended parents plan to share the story of their child’s birth. Many families tell their children early, using simple and loving words.
Their answer can shape your future role. Healthy surrogate relationships with intended parents often include photos, birthday messages or the occasional visit.
Questions to Ask Intended Parents About Your Own Family
A good match supports your household as well as theirs. These questions show how the intended parents think about the people who will live this pregnancy alongside you.
- How do you hope to involve or acknowledge my children during the journey?
- How would you like to handle it if I need extra help at home during bed rest?
- Would you like to meet my partner or family before we decide?
Families who ask about your children and partner on their own are usually a good sign. It shows they see you as a whole person, which is one of the characteristics to look for in intended parents.
Questions to Save for Your Agency or Attorney
Some topics belong in a different room. Money and legal details can make a first meeting feel transactional, and professionals handle them better.
- Your base compensation, monthly payments and extras
- How the escrow account works and when the intended parents fund it
- Health and life insurance for the pregnancy
- Contract terms, including what happens if plans change
Before any match, your agency goes over surrogate pay in detail, including the surrogacy escrow account. Later, your own surrogacy attorney reviews the contract with you line by line.
Red Flags and Green Flags in a Match Meeting
Green Flags to Look For
- They ask about your family and your wellbeing, not only about the pregnancy
- They answer medical questions openly, including the hard ones
- They respect that the pregnancy happens in your body
- Their expectations for communication sound realistic for your life
Red Flags to Take Seriously
- They avoid the termination question or change the subject
- They want to control your diet, schedule or daily choices in detail
- They push to discuss money directly with you
- Their replies about embryos or the medical plan stay vague or keep changing
One awkward moment is not a red flag, since everyone is nervous on this call. Patterns matter more, and your coordinator can help you read them. Bringing your list of questions to ask intended parents also keeps the call focused when nerves take over.
What Happens After the Match Meeting
Making a Mutual Decision
After the call, both sides take time to reflect, often a day or two. Nobody expects an automatic yes, and declining a match is a normal part of the process.
Talk it over with your partner or a close friend too. The role of the surrogate spouse starts here, since your household will live this journey with you.
From Match to Contract
When everyone says yes, the agency moves on to medical screening at the clinic and the legal work. Each side has its own attorney, and both sign the surrogacy contract before any medication starts.
From match to signed contract, many journeys take a couple of months. Knowing how long surrogacy takes helps you plan around work and family.
Frequently Asked Questions About Surrogacy Match Meetings
How Long Does a Match Meeting Last?
Most first meetings last about an hour. Some families schedule a second call before deciding, especially when there is a lot to talk through.
What Should a Surrogate Avoid Asking Intended Parents?
Leave compensation and payment details to your agency. Overly personal medical questions about the cause of their infertility can also wait until they choose to share.
Should My Partner Join the Match Meeting?
Yes, if possible. Intended parents usually want to meet the person who will support you day to day. Your partner may also think of questions you miss.
What If We Disagree on Just One Topic?
It depends on the topic. Most couples can work out a different view on social media posts. By contrast, a disagreement about termination or the number of embryos usually means the match is not right.
Can I Keep Asking Questions After We Match?
Of course. Good relationships grow through ongoing conversation, and many surrogates keep a running list. Some even share letters to intended parents to put their feelings into words.
How Surrogacy by Faith Prepares You for the Match Meeting
At Surrogacy by Faith, your profile goes to intended parents first. A video call follows only when both sides show interest.
Both parties agree to the non-termination clause upfront, since Surrogacy by Faith does not support pregnancy termination unless the mother’s life is at risk. That shared starting point protects the surrogate and settles the hardest question before the first call.
The agency transfers only PGT-A tested embryos and reports a 92% first-transfer success rate, while legal clearance takes 2 to 3 weeks. Most team members have been surrogates themselves, with a combined 8 babies between them. Support stays available at any hour.
If you are ready to meet a family who shares your values, the surrogate application is the first step. Intended parents can start their journey through the intended parent application.
Sources
Jadva et al., Surrogates 20 years on, Human Reproduction (2025): https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12864146/